Taking a Break.

[haloman30 168]

Hey, guys.

 

It's been a rough couple of days here for me and undoubtedly for several of you as well.

 

As you all have probably heard by now, Wind has decided to leave us and CU behind. For how long, who knows. The way he decided to go about it resulted in him being kicked and later banned from the community due to the repeated hostility he's expressed towards everyone - myself included.

 

I've known Wind since 2016. He first returned to CU under the name Arlem. He was a guy who was talented at building and was adamant about never using WorldEdit, and played a hefty amount of Paragon. Over time, we grew to become close friends, knowing all the deepest secrets about each other. Always being by the other's side no matter how bad it got.

 

Unfortunately, it seems that at this time, that friendship has been severed - possibly even for good.

 

It's been under considerable strain for the past couple months. I have no doubt it's been playing a part in why I've failed to be productive, both within CU and in my own personal life. Several situations have come up over the past month or so that have done nothing but cause me to be an emotional wreck. He's gone off on people, and gone off on me most of all. I think that "oh he's just in a shit mood and he'll come out of it in a day or two", only to then hear how he's talking normally to someone else - which fucking kills me - because it makes me think that maybe he won't come out of it, that maybe this really is how he feels and what he thinks. It makes it feel as though the friendship we've had genuinely does mean absolutely nothing, that maybe he truly does believe I'm as good as dirt. That I'm just a piece of shit, or that I may as well go back to being a cum stain on my mother's back, and that I should go to hell.

 

I wanted to be there for him whenever he needed me. I wanted to be there through the good and the bad, the same way I have been for the past 4 years. But I can't keep being the punching bag every time something like this happens. I love the dude - I really do. But I've reached the limit of what I can handle. Originally I was going to wait for him to come around, to wait and see if he'd come around. I want to stick by his side the way I always have.

 

But I can't. Not anymore. Not until he gets the help he needs.

 

I can't help him anymore. I've been trying for years, and where did that leave me? Alone, miserable, and broken.

 

Last night, I reached my breaking point. I cried for the first time in nearly a decade. It started when he got online as an alt under the name "Toiletwhistle", and had only two messages:

 

Quote

[Guest] Toiletwhistle: @haloman30 you're a piece of shit bro
[Guest] Toiletwhistle: I hope you know that

 

My mood was just starting to come up a bit when this happened. Minutes later, espon (wolfbitez) mentioned that Wind was seemingly still talking to him - which of course had me fucked up since it suggests that Wind doing this isn't just one of his episodes, though it seems so clear that it must be - right? I felt massive rush of anger and frustration - venting to a few people in voice chat which built up to me standing out of my seat and shouting my words. I went into the hallway towards the storage room, let out the loudest scream I could, started banging on the door - and then the tears came. I broke down - right in Discord for everyone to see the absolutely pitiful mess of a person I'd been reduced to. I had to be moved to the Staff channel since I was obviously not gonna come over and move myself.

 

That's the state of mind that one of my best friend put me in. That's what Wind did to me.

 

How can I in good faith call someone a friend when that's the kind of shit they do to me?

 

I can't.

 

That being said, my hope is that this won't be permanent. I don't hate Wind. I pray that he'll come back around. I pray that this is just another one of his episodes - that this isn't really him. But I can't let myself get dragged down with him. It's crushing me. It's driving me insane. It's pushing me to and beyond my breaking point. Everyone has their limits as to what they can take. I think that, unfortunately, I've reached mine.

 

 

Taking Some Time Off

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Yesterday I was banned from his server, blocked on Discord and later he got on MC just to remind me that I'm a piece of shit. Other staff members banned him from CU - but I've taken it upon myself to ban him from Elaztek and block him myself. I pray that this won't have to be a forever thing - that maybe he'll come back around, realize how awful he's treated myself and everyone else, and get the help he so desperately needs.

 

I feel like shit doing this. It'll likely haunt me for a long time still - but it's better than being abused like this all the time, I guess.

 

This combined with gradual fatigue and frustration with everything has brought me to the decision to take a break. I've been wanting to work on stuff for Elaztek Studios for a while now, but have felt too obligated to CU - what with the increasing player counts and massive amounts of donations - to step away. As much as I was hoping to avoid this - I've got to look out for my own mental health.

 

The past months have left me shattered and broken. I begin to dread getting up for fear of what awaits me on Discord. It's a feeling I haven't felt since 2017 - except it's different this time. At least in 2017, Wind didn't hate me. He only hated the decisions I was making. Now, it seems that the target of his wrath isn't my actions, but me.

 

If you're worried that I might not come back - don't be. In fact that's largely why I'm taking a break. Just as I've cut off Wind in an effort to preserve whatever may be left between he and I in the hopes we can come back together later, I'm taking a break from CU now to ensure I don't reach a point where I want to rid myself of being an owner on the community. I love CU and I love the community it has. It's truly satisfying and amazing to see that, while we may not have yet achieved the larger playerbase I'd love to have - we're still here. We've got a tightly-knit community here where everyone is a friend, and that's pretty damn cool.

 

The plan is to, upon returning, be eager to get back to work on the server. Whether or not that'll happen, I can't yet say. Of course it also depends how long the break is.

 

I don't know how long this break will be. It could be just a few days, it might be weeks, it may even be a month or two. I don't know yet. But it's apparent to me that I need to take some time away from CU.

 

 

To Wind

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Wind, if you're reading this, know that I don't hate you. I love you - the real you. I want nothing more than my friend back. That's why I have to do this. I have to cut you off for now until you get better. Believe me I feel like absolute shit doing it. But I don't want to grow to hate you. I want to someday see you get the help you need - real help, not the "help" you got before - and that the two of us can reunite and go drink a couple Capri-Sun™s together or some shit. I pray that that day comes sooner rather than later. But I can't keep going through this, man. You're dragging me down with you. These past months have been unbearable for me, and nearly everyone I've talked to has been telling me since it began that I should cut you off. And at this point, after breaking down to tears in front of effectively everyone - I can't argue with them anymore.

 

Please come back. Get the help you need and come back. Once you do I'll happily welcome you back in with open arms. But I can't take the abuse anymore. I hope you understand. If you think that me doing this is a dick move to do, I understand. If you want to never talk to me again because of it - it sucks, it hurts, but I understand. I didn't come to this decision lightly, if that makes it any better.

 

I'm not removing your plugins. I won't erase your work. You've contributed massively to CU and I can never thank you enough - and I'll see to it that people remember you because of it, whether you return or not.

 

 

Where to Find Me

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So, where will I be during this break? I'll be camping out over at Elaztek Studios primarily. If you wanna keep up with what I'll be up to or keep on talking to me in voice chat, you're free to hop into the Elaztek Discord. Fun fact - the Premiums and Veterans among you will get your ranks back upon joining over. If other people are over there, you'll likely see me in voice chat.

 

If you aren't aware, Elaztek is a game development studio that I've (kind of) started up. Our current project is the Blamite Game Engine. Rather than using an off-the-shelf engine like Unreal or Unity, we want to build our own engine from the ground up. From the community side, we admittedly don't have a whole lot as of yet. Even so, we do have a forums and Discord.

 

Now that being said, I'm also gonna try and stay active in CU in terms of the community. While I do believe I need a break, I also don't believe that secluding myself from my friends is going to make anything any better. In fact I'm fairly sure it'd do nothing but make everything that much harder. So in addition to Elaztek, you'll likely continue to see me in the CU discord, talking in text channels and in voice. However - please do not ask me to get on the server, or drag me into situations, or inform me about bugs or anything like that. The only reason I'd be sticking around is to talk to my friends. I want nothing to do with any server stuff and will not be involved save for very extreme situations where I absolutely must be there. If I can't get away from server management stuff in the CU Discord, then my fallback will be to either mute the server and live solely in Elaztek, or if that fails - I'll transfer server ownership to my alternate account and then leave the server until I feel ready to come back.

 

If you wanna sign up on the Elaztek forums, you can do so at https://elaztek.com 

If you're interested in joining the Elaztek Discord, you can join at https://discord.gg/DYMFVWZ

 

I'm sorry that I have to do this. I hate that it's gotten to this point. I hate that a friendship has been strained so heavily to lead to this. My hope is that when I make my return, I'll be ready and eager to get back to it. I hope to return and start working on getting bugs fixed, new gamemodes added, and making the MC server the best it can be. But that won't happen with me being in this mental state.

 

I don't know how long it'll take me to reach that point. Maybe it'll just be a few days and I'll be ready, or maybe it'll take a month or two. Maybe it'll be somewhere in between. I don't know how much time I need because I've never felt so fucked up like this before. I've never been in a position where I felt that it was necessary to cut a friend off. For my whole life, friendships have only ever become distant - never strained like this. It's a new pain - and it's miserable. And considering just how much of Wind is still within CU, I don't see myself being able to recover as long as I'm still here trying to work on it.

 

Once again, I'm sorry for doing this. I'm sorry that this topic is kind of all over the place and disorganized - I'm just not in a great headspace at the moment. I hope to come back sooner rather than later. Until then, you can find me on the Elaztek or CU Discord servers.

 

 

Have a good day, yall. Try not to miss me too much.

[haloman30 168]

Update as of 9/19/2020

---

Hopefully this won't end up being a premature post that I have to eat later, but Wind has begun to turn around. After a couple days of silence and a couple days of fairly agitated conversation, he's finally reached a point where he's expressing genuine remorse for his actions and how things have ended up.

 

Make no mistake, however - he will NOT be unbanned from CU anytime soon. The ban status is not changing. That is something that will only ever happen with time, and as Wind hopefully continues to improve himself to ensure that this kind of behavior is a distant memory.

 

I will remain on break because, while the situation appears mostly resolved, I am still somewhat stressed from the other issues (and from this still, it'll take a day or two for that to fully pass) and I've got personal things that I'll need to start refocusing on that need to take priority.

 

So, yeah. That's where things are at. Overall things are beginning to shift back into the positive direction - hopefully it stays that way. If they do, this break will likely be shorter rather than longer.